Excerpts

Me & Lay Li ain't talking cause she think she cute cause she think I ain't. Must be pretty boy Curtis all in her head all in her mouth making her forget her home training. Making her forget her daddy got a gun for a living. & her mama gone. & this is why I think she ain't got no sense, nohow. Cause ain't nobody but fast girls checking for Curtis. & he keep her name close & she don't come home the same way no more. She must think she cute! Must think I ain't! Like she ZendayaSkaiStormMeganNickiBeyoncé or something Like she long curly hair movie star perfect Like she perfect pink nail salon pop queen perfect Like she all new Macy's rack & Adidas shell toe perfect Like she glossy magazine cover most beautiful girl perfect Like she ain't never had a bad day in the sun perfect Like she ain't never had a bad picture kind of perfect Like she got a life don't nobody judge cause she's so perfect I mean, look how she keep me waiting like I'm supposed to wait on Curtis or something & I hate his light-skinned self! Especially because he ain't as funny as he think. Especially when he calls me black & ugly & stupid! & Lay Li stay grinning like he the sun like we ain't friends they boyfriends see Lay Li It's like they see the best parts of they favorite movie & they favorite movie got they favorite soundtrack & they favorite soundtrack make them feel strong & they swing they arms around & show off to whoever is looking I mean, sometimes I get caught looking but I ain't got n o t h i n g to say Not Lay Li She act like she never lookin' She must think she cute But she ain't just cute Lay Li pretty & they boyfriends at the skate rink forget they home training around her. So when Curtis say the things I've already said about myself & she laugh I know deep down inside she ain't never care about me at all. Lay Li the sun & she called me best friend Called me smart Called me her ace Called me her right-hand sis Lay Li called me my name Ain't never call me nothing but my name When everyone else call me nothing She say best friend--like sis-patna-friend & she laugh bright bright Because Lay Li the sun now I know she just said them lies to keep my shadow all up & around her sunshine smile Like that time we skipped school for the pool party & all the girls wear bikinis but I got my one-piece on with a white T-shirt on top. & the boys just looking like they mama ain't taught them nothing worth knowing. Lay Li got that good hair so she don't care if it's wet & loose. But my hair ain't close to being good so I keep it in a real real real tight ponytail until the sun get so hot I jump in & cool my sadness down. It's like I already know. So I let my shoulders sink low like my heart be & I watch Lay Li how she walks & everybody stops & I'm trying to learn how to walk in a room & turn their heads how to move in a crowd & be the light how to keep a boy's interest but not just any boy a boy who remembers my name maybe a cute one with long eyelashes & gentle hands the kind of hands that keep to themselves how to keep my sister, Essa, from talking bad to me my older sister tell you "don't mess up my name," she go so far to move her mouth & show her perfect white teeth it's "EEEEEE-SaaHHHH like mantra, like a prayer" how to move through the world standing tall & demanding to be named properly how to be more than a baller how to be someone that keep 'em guessing how to stop stressing because ain't nobody got time for the kind of shade I got but everybody got time for some s u n Lay Li smile at Curtis & he only a little bit cute but he ain't funny or smart so that's how I know her grin is a lie. & I pretend I don't hear his slur I pretend I don't see his hazel eyes when he say "lose her ugly black ass" & Lay Li laugh. Laugh like a knife in the back or laugh hysterical like the girl running from the scary man in a hockey mask or laugh like kids being followed around the mall by security or laugh like I do when my sister, Essa, makes me the butt of the joke. See I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & she say "Shut up, Curtis" but it sounds like   "Come here." I dunk my head underwater slow & wait just wait I wait even longer for her to say a n y t h i n g like: "don't talk about my friend, I don't care how pretty your eyes is!" But she just say "shut up" & she l a u g h the kind of laugh that make me forget we even friends the kind of laugh that make me forget we even & I think I could stay here where it's all a blurry aqua blue, I think I could stay here where my eyes don't hurt as much & it don't feel like I've been looking at the sun all day l o n g. Okay, so boom. This is how Lay Li & I met. At the end of summer, when we ready to head into the first semester of freshman year, I got a problem with the boys who keep slapping the water. Tyrone & Adam slap the water at me when I swim by them. Because everybody knows I'm better than them on the basketball court. Still, I keep calm. I play cool. I see a girl at the edge of the pool. Red swimsuit & long wavy ponytail. Her right eyebrow lifted skylike: She ready for the joke. But she ain't laughing. The boys slap the water. I swim under the current. I head to her side of the pool. & so do they. They slap the water but her mouth ain't like mine. It ain't closed lock-like & tight, until I'm on the court with a nasty dribble. It ain't safety pin safe like my grandmother taught me. Her mouth curse them until their eyes water. Her lips curl & she cross both her arms "& you betta not do it again!" They laugh & she don't. This girl I never seen before got a name: Lay Li. I wipe my eyes, stinging from the blue water. "Thank you," I say, pretending it don't burn. Two years later & Lay Li bathing suit Is way better than mine I hate my royal blue one-piece It's a hand-me-down It's ugly I rather wear my basketball shorts but they're the only pair I got keep dry when I walk home Everybody who know somebody will skip class for the pool party & everybody will have a cute bathing suit on: Strawberry red or bright yellow or periwinkle blue or one of those two-pieces with candy cane stripes But not me I put a T-shirt on top & try to hide this ugly-ass basic blue swimsuit Mines is long in the crotch so long the water drains slowly down my leg after I climb out the deep end. I put a T-shirt on top & try to hide the history of where my people from the ones that got a pit bull with a chain around its neck & smoke clouds everywhere I put a T-shirt on top & try to hide where I come from the kind of folks that park on the lawn & clean they car with the Gap Band blasting out the door speakers I put a T-shirt on top & hope no one asks where my dad works. Where my dad is? Why my sister, Essa, & I always fight on the lawn? I just want to swim in the teal green sorta blue bubble & forget all the things that make me different for a little while. Basketball Drills #1 both hands grip the orange world ridges in black talk back to my fingertips James Bird Bryant Catchings Jordan Leslie Curry Hammon Jackson Iverson Johnson For every letter of their name I plant my feet aim & shoot if I flick my left wrist perfectly I'll soar like the greats. After my drills Lay Li & I both sit in the shade on the front lawn of the neighborhood candy house Miss Irene got white hair & a permanent scowl She got white hair, a little white lapdog & wear a dusty muumuu She smokes cigarettes, the white stick hanging from the cliff of her lip Like a daredevil Miss Irene say she ain't got time for us kids & don't let nobody curse on her front yard But she got a Costco card & charge pennies on the dollar for our favorite sweets We get a dollar worth of candy in a plastic sandwich bag that we share After my basketball drills, I walk around the barbed gate of the neighborhood pool I climb into the blue green water and float for days Really I only got an hour before the pool closes But I don't care when I'm floating It lets me think My eyes closed or searching the sky for animal figures Ice cream cones & airplanes that skip across the blue blue up The aqua water carry my arms & legs A body of girl & whoosh When I'm too tired to move my calves & arms I climb out the water & feel less rubber band & more light light Most days the water burns everything my nose & eyes & even my hair is too dry but I feel clean I feel more me than when I arrived Lay Li meets me after the pool She ain't get in the pool but she still wears her tube top bikini, a towel draped around her shoulder like a comma. She bites at her cuticles & I already know It's been almost two years since silly boys slapped water in the pool Now the boys are gone & it's just me doing floating like a log while Mommy & Me classes happen in the shallow end my muscles hurt after playing Horse alone A girl on the basketball court ain't no different than any other baller, if you work hard enough that's what my cousin Inga say She the first one to teach me to hold the globe with both hands to use my right hand to guide the ball. Finally out of the pool I can see the harsh water peels my skin I don't have any cocoa butter on me So I pull my legs up, crisscross-applesauce & focus on Lay Li. When she bites her nails it's not because she's nervous More like anxious and angry & always it's about her mama "So what happened?" I ask & she frowns at her hands Then covers her face from the dipping sun She shrugs & instantly I feel bad I know what it feels like to have Too much to say So much you can't speak I make noise when I'm nosy I slap the mosquitoes gnawing at my legs It's been a year since we last talked about her mama but that's the only thing that bothers her enough to bite-ruin her perfect nails But Lay Li don't sweat it she don't swing at the mosquitoes she don't even miss a beat. "That woman been gone so long I can barely remember what she looks like." I can't imagine what it's like to forget my mother's face I sit quiet & wait for her story to unfold My mama still on drugs & my daddy ain't got time for all that He don't want us girls to see her like that He says every child deserve to be the sun To know they come from the sun & if the sun snuff itself to dusk before its time & no shine is left to see Let it be One day we woke up & she was already a cloudy shadow of herself Then one day we woke up & she was gone She only come home when she clean She only call home when she sorta sober She ain't never remembered my birthday or my sisters' birthday & I'm like whatever. When you live where we live You say what it is & if you can't say what it is Or if it hurt too much Or maybe it's too confusing You just say "whatever." That way you ain't no lie Don't nobody Want to Call It Especially when it got more faces than any solitary name but if I'm honest I want to know if Lay Li seen the zombies too The ones who take over my uncles' bodies after weeks of playing ghost only to return him to our front door with his clothes all crumpled & eyes brimming red Lay Li is the only one I can talk to about The smell of hot ash & burned glass "You know what it looks like." She stands up from the grass swinging her dry striped towel in the air "It looks like the walking dead." On the way to my house I need to rinse the chlorine off my skin I need to remember who I am Lay Li say, "Where's your cocoa butter?" & I know she wants to call me ashy. When I walk through the front door I'm surprised no one is home I turn on the television & tell Lay Li I'll be right back Right out the blue Lay Li calls to me already running up the stairs "I'm just tired of crying over someone that's been gone so long." Lay Li laughs like the joke's on everybody but her Lay Li squints into the mirror & pouts Lay Li applies more lipstick than a little Lay Li takes my lip gloss as backup just in case Lay Li say "It's so boring here. Let's call Shawn." I laugh like the joke is on Shawn He's her old crush & first real boyfriend Since her mama left the house But then I realized she just called my house boring & now my feelings are hurt. Lay Li say "Don't be like that. I ain't mean nothing by it." Lay Li pull my ponytail a little Lay Li is forgiven again. I move her hand & brush at my hair I mimic the mirror Reach to take back my lip gloss & my pride from Lay Li's hands It's the inexpensive kind from the neighborhood CVS She pretends she's gonna keep it like a child & its pacifier her arms swing above both of our heads helicopter style Out of my reach She is pleased with herself & giggling to my hands waving in the air fire the roof is on fire but it ain't & I don't crack a smile This makes her laugh even harder All her teeth showing All my steam moving like a cloud when I cut my eyes She sighs rolls her eyes then tosses it to me before she grabs the phone & dials with one last perfect pink nail same color as Essa's (I think) But I don't say anything Just pucker my lips as she watches me with boring eyes apply the sheen Like an impostor. Excerpted from Chlorine Sky by Mahogany l. Browne All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. 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